I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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