he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
