i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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