kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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