There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i dont even know how to be here
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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