This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
