Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
