he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
