As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
