whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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