Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
