In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize