you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
