Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
