im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
