you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
