Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize