i want to swaddle you in tequila
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
