The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
