I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Are we still banned from the library?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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