she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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