turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
