Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize