ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
