Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
