theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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