Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize