11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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