there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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