You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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