So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
