She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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