piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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