The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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