Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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