I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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