I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
