I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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