kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
