We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
