We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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