I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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