if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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