he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
