She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize