I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So much rum. So many feels.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
