Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
