the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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