does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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