dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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