Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
