Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
