Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
