So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
