I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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