don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
