i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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