in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
