wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
