all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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