Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
