How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
