Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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